Before going on medication for bipolar II disorder, I was so creative. I took art classes, drew constantly, wrote in a journal, and even made a dress out of cellophane one time! Being creative and making artwork was my way of expressing myself to the world. I loved it.
I didn’t realize that I would lose most of this once I became medicated. Now, although I feel sparks of creativity now and then, I am less vibrant in that way. It’s really unfortunate, and it actually makes me really upset when I think about it, so I try not to. I know staying on my meds is the right move because the pros completely outweigh the cons.
Sometimes I miss feeling so much. I would get so many amazing ideas and I just had to create. It was the best feeling. But when I miss that, I also have to remember how dark my life was most of the time. It was almost just too much to handle. I would never want to relive that darkness. So, that’s why I choose to stay on my meds and give up some of my creativity.
Now, I’m trying to find new ways to express myself, in addition to finding passion in the things I used to enjoy. Makeup for example, will always be my first love. Now that I’m not working in the city anymore, I have some more time on my hands that I’ve been using to experiment with different makeup looks. I was so excited for Halloween this year, because it gave me an excuse to try out some new looks. This year I was a deer! I made my hair into ears because I didn’t have any to use. But I think it came out pretty cute!
I also really want to try a new form of art, painting. Well, it’s new for me. I don’t know what I would even paint, but I think that’s part of the fun. You have to really dig deep to find something meaningful, something worth painting. That’s going to be my next project.
I guess even though I lost my natural ability to create anything and everything with a million ideas running around in my head, there’s still hope for me. I just have to try a little harder now to find that creativity that I know is still there.