Life is so short. But for people with anxiety, minutes can feel like days, or even longer. Anxiety feels never ending and all consuming. It’s a horrific thing to live with, and unfortunately, many of us suffer from it.
I live with severe anxiety every day. From the moment I get up to the second I fall asleep, I deal with anxiety. “She’s being dramatic,” you’re probably thinking. I wish I was! I have trouble driving, being alone, and being in the dark. Noises and lights seem much more intense to me than they do to the average person, and that makes my heart race. There are so many ways that my anxiety manifests itself in me, both physically and mentally.
Something that you may not know about me is that I’m also incredibly social even though I live with mental illness. You would think that everyone with anxiety is afraid of interacting with other people, or even leaving the house, but it’s not true! Being around people actually makes me feel much better. Sometimes, it even makes me forget about my anxiety for a little while. Isn’t that interesting? I think it’s because being left alone with my intrusive thoughts and all the “what ifs” drives me nuts. When I’m around people, those thoughts fade away for the most part. I’ve always wondered why that is.
Currently, I’m trying to figure out my medication situation. I take Klonopin once a day, but I have been for four years now, and my 1 mg isn’t doing it for me anymore. I don’t want to up my dosage and become more addicted than I already am, but I also don’t want to not take any medicine for anxiety since it’s so bad. I may look into holistic options before making any decisions about putting more meds into my body.
While living with anxiety can be exhausting at times, I try not to let it ruin my life. I’m actually going to our local anxiety center for an appointment in a few days to see if they can help me. It’s so cool that we have a local anxiety center. I’m really excited. I’m hoping to learn how to not beat myself up so much when I can’t do things because of my anxiety. Some people think it’s a choice, but it’s really not. When I say, “I can’t drive right now,” it’s not because I don’t feel like it, it’s because I know when I’m going to have a panic attack in the car and it’s not safe for me to get behind the wheel.
That’s what I wish people would understand more about mental illness. It is SO not a choice and we’re all just doing our best. So I’m going to keep taking care of myself, keep doing my best, and continue to lead as normal a life as possible. I mean, I don’t really know what normal is, but you get what I mean.
Let me know if you guys like this style of blogging or if you prefer something more structured. I’m interested to know.